A Reflection on the Journey

I am on a journey through my chakral system. I've been doing this for the last 9 months. Mostly this blog is about that, so look back through the archives to check out my adventures so far.

My journey has brought me to the land of the solar plexus, the third chakra. This is the chakra of will, determination, and power. This chakra, and the throat chakra, are the ones that I sense I need to work the most to strengthen. In fact, my desire to strengthen this chakra brought me to declare that 2013  is my year of being Powerful.

Being Powerful means being clear about what I want, and being intentional and focused in moving towards my vision.

It's been a bumpy road!

Achievements  

A large part of this year so far has seen my partner and I working very hard on our Android application, Galaxy Tarot. A big part of my dream life is having the freedom to not have to go to a nine to five job, to be able to live where I want (which right now is Cambodia), to be my own boss, and to have enough money to travel and live comfortably. So we're working really hard to make that dream a reality, and it's working! I've used and learned so many skills being a co-owner of my own company: writing for the public, graphic design, customer service, marketing, research, copy writing... and many more that my frazzled brain can't think of right now. Most days I love it, and it really does feel powerful to be my own boss. 

In a few days a dream will come true, and in a few weeks I'm conquering a major fear. 

First the dream: 3 more sleeps until we fly to Bali! I've wanted to visit Bali since I first knew such a place existed, and now we've got 3 whole weeks to explore this seemingly enchanted tropical paradise. 

And the fear: at the end of 3 weeks we're going to Bunaken island where I will, hopefully, if all goes as planned, get my PADI open water scuba certificate! Eeee! 

Making dreams come true and conquering fear are the best things I can do to feel powerful, and I'm really doing it. 

For about a year now, since I read the first few chapter of 'The Artist's Way', I've wanted to start a daily writing practice. Finally, this month, after devouring 'Writing Down the Bones' I got to it. It's not daily, but it's fairly regular, and I can already feel the huge ways it's helping me. 

When I first started, I'd just open up OmmWriter with the intention of filling the screen. I didn't find this very fulfilling however, as I ended up just writing about wanting to fill the page and not being able to think of things to write. So now what I do is use journal prompts to guide me. I saved a bunch of pages with prompts from Amber Lea Starfire's terrific blog, Writing Through Life, and her book, Journaling Through the Chakras, on my computer. In the morning, while Chris is still sleeping and I'm enjoying my coffee, I reflect on these great questions and write. I really like how Amber compiles a group of juicy prompts based on a theme; it helps me go deeper and deeper, peeling back the layers of my psyche and getting down to some real insight. I find it very therapeutic, and I hope that, as I keep it up, I'll become a better, more authentic and efficient writer. I'm excited to try out some journal prompts from this free ebook from Jodi Chapman too, and just yesterday Alexandra Franzen posted 100 questions for self-discovery that I'm looking forward to working on while on vacation.

Do you have journal or other writing prompt sources that you adore? Please share!

Challenges

I had a big wake up call the week we had our first round of releasing Galaxy Tarot. We worked REALLY, REALLY hard on it, and I was not expecting the back-lash we would get. It turns out some people really don't like change, and wanted to let us know it. We were getting a lot of positive feedback too, but the unhappy people were definitely the most vocal, and, of course, the ones I paid the most attention to. While many people voiced their criticism in a constructive way, or had valid technical issues, other people were just downright RUDE. "The update sucks", "it's ugly", "they wrecked it", "I hate it" -- this is what people were saying about my designs and my writing. Ouch! I'd never released a creative work into the world on this scale before, and I was not really prepared for all the negative feedback.

After a few days of obsessing over negative reviews and answering every single email in pain-staking detail I had a bit of a major breakdown, totally lost my shit, and woke up. While our for-money-work is important, I had been working my ass off at the cost of neglecting myself. We'd been eating a ton of unhealthy delivery; I'd put off yoga on many, many a-day so I could work more; my sleep was crap. This was not being powerful. Right then and there I realized I had to give myself some boundaries. First and foremost, self-care was my number one priority and two, I needed to spend more time focusing on the positives of our business and give less weight to the ick. Now, I'm still challenged some days by some of the reviews and emails we get, but I've learned to flow through it better. I have some standard responses for the haters, and I've accepted that we can't make everyone happy. I also have turned my email answering activity into a practice of being compassionate... most days.

I remember experiencing pretty much the same thing when I shifted from focusing on the root chakra to the sacral chakra: I got so into the pleasure of the sacral chakra that I totally tipped the balance, and all the healthy habits I'd built-up during my root chakra work were lost. This time, I got so into being powerful, that both my sweet sacral chakra activities and my root-y healthy habits got thrown out. During my upcoming vacation I really want to focus on integrating the chakra work I've done more and more -- having fun, while being healthy, and also continuing to explore what it means for me to be powerful.

The Process

Though I don't do it much, I do enjoy keeping this blog. It's really good to look back on this project so far and remind myself what I've done and why I do it. I've been feeling isolated living as an expat, so I also value the connections I make through blogging. 

Speaking of isolation, The Hermit Tarot card is coming up for me over and over in the readings I do for myself, often in a "present goal" or "what I should be doing" type of position. So, though it's frustrating at times, this mostly solitary, introspective work feels right for me now. I'm looking forward to the future time when, like The Hermit, I can take what I've learned and cast light out into the world.

I won't be surprised if this solar plexus work goes all through 2013. It's pretty major stuff. I'll be sprinkling in a good dose of heart chakra work too because I'm becoming evermore aware that being powerful can go badly awry if the energy is not flowing up through the heart.

Assessing the Solar Plexus Chakra: The Answers

A while ago I listed these questions for assessing the balance of the solar plexus chakra. Today I want to answer them with a focus on when and how I feel powerful.

Do I feel in control of my life or do I just do what I "have to"?

I do feel in control of my life, but I don’t always do a good job of it. I'm self-employed and work from home so every day I wake up I get to choose what I want to do that day. Sometimes I waste a lot of time just clicking around on the internet, not really doing much of anything.

How do I spend my time? Does most of what I do serve my bigger desires?

Things I do that do serve my bigger desires: yoga, reading books, cooking healthy food, chatting with friends and family, spending time with new friends and potential friends-to-be, snuggling my love and kitties, reading Tarot for myself and others, creating pretty things, writing, meditating, reading inspiring blogs, taking pictures, daydreaming about my future life, shopping for clothes and decor to adorn my life, sleeping, watching t.v. and movies with intention, working on my software business products, juicing, sacred bathing, getting massages.

Things I do that don't serve my bigger desires: clicking around on the internet (facebook, email, twitter, facebook, email, twitter, repeat until crazed), gossiping about and criticizing others, not having a food plan and then resorting to unhealthy delivery dinner, staying up past my bedtime and then suffering insomnia (happens every time if I miss the sleep-window), going out to socialize and drinking too much so I act like a weirdo and then obsessing over all my weirdo-behaviour.

I do a lot of both the serving and dis-serving things. I definitely feel better when I fill my day with more of the former.

How do I deal with difficult tasks? Do I procrastinate and draw them out? Or do I just do them until they're done?

Somewhere in between. Sometimes I just ignore them until they become impossible to ignore, but sometimes, if I’m on a roll, I just do it because it’s the next thing on my list. It feels powerful to cross things off my to-do list. Crossing things off my to-do list is a big reward for me.

How is my self-esteem? Do I feel confident and proud to be who I am? 

I have up and down days. 

I think in the past I accepted that I was just a mediocre person and that I shouldn’t expect very much of myself or my life, but lately I’ve had the realization that I’m just as great as anyone else. 

Somedays I feel really lonely and invisible, and I wonder what it is about me that leads to that. Those day I feel bad about myself and frustrated because I can’t really figure out what it is that’s bad about me. When I haven't been eating well and exercising I feel especially down on my self. 

Other days I feel great, proud, powerful, and beautiful. 

What role does 'worry' play in my life?

I don’t worry too much, except sometimes when I’m trying to sleep. I think in general that when I’m worried about something I do something about it as soon as possible. 

What was my family environment like in terms of control? How did my parents get me to do my chores? Did I get to make a lot of my own decisions? 

My mom tried to be reasonable in getting me to contribute to the house, but I think she’d get frustrated and lose her shit and then yell. She let me make a lot of my own decisions and that made me feel like she trusted me to make good decisions.

My dad used a lot of tactics, from rewards and praise to intimidation, humiliation and threats. He definitely wanted to control me and wanted a say in a lot of things that my mom let me decide for myself, like what I wore, how my hair was, what time I woke up on weekends, and what I did with my spare time. His approach mostly just created conflict between us. It's ironic really that he was someone who prided himself so much on being his own person, but he tried really hard to bend the people in his life to his will. I'm glad that I learnt to rebel and resist more than I learnt to submit from the years I lived with him.

Do I conform to the expectations of my family and culture? Do I do things I really don't want to do because they are 'proper' or expected of me? How do I deal with pressure to conform?

I’ve never really been a conformist but I’ve often struggled with the consequences of not conforming. Partly, I feel like when I was young, I didn’t know how to conform because I moved around so much and the social rules at each school were so different. For a long time I felt really bad about not being popular and not understanding why kids made fun of me. But then I realized that it was a lot better to not try to fit in and to do what I thought was cool anywhere I went. 

As an adult I feel very resentful when I perceive people trying to push me to conform or to pretend to be different than I really am. 

How do I hold my power? Do I let it get away from me on a regular basis?

I know I have power but sometimes I let it get away from me just by not acting for my greater good and bigger desires. 

Sometimes I start comparing myself with other women who are more successful in terms of money and attention, or who have more friends than I do, and that is not empowering. 

I’ve also recently realized that I sometimes put more value on getting attention for my creative work than on the work itself. I start valuing that creation not for what it is, but for how much praise I get for it.

How much energy do I invest on people that confuse/annoy/anger me? Do I ever feel ashamed of how I'm using my energy when it comes to other people?

I know not to feed trolls, and shake my head when I see other people giving a lot of energy to internet-provokers.

Lately, I’ve been answering emails from people who use our Android applications, not all of them happy. I could slip into a place of anger and annoyance with these people (some of them are quite rude) but I’ve gotten better at just replying to their complaint in a non-emotional, professional matter and doing my best to resolve their technical issue and then moving on. Having a sense of humour about it helps a lot.

There have been a few times lately that I’ve gotten mad about something I read in the newspaper or blog and I do feel a little ashamed of how much I let it bug me, how much I feel a need to talk about it, and how much I want people to agree with me that the other person is wrong. 

Do I feel a need to control anyone in my life? If so, how do I do it? Does it lead to conflict?

The only person I ever try to control is my love, and he just doesn’t put up with it at all, so I don’t try to do it very often. I’ve gotten better at explaining where I’m coming from in wanting something to be a certain way, and in negotiating compromise when we have to do something together. 

Sometimes, when I ignore how I’m feeling for a long time, I will let it get to the point where I just explode and freak out. I don’t communicate my needs and wants very skillfully and it does lead to conflict with my partner.

This felt like a worthwhile exercise. I feel more clear now about my relationship with power and what I can do to increase my own power. 

I invite you to reflect on these questions yourself. As always, I would love to learn what you find. Let me note, however, that I feel powerful having done my own reflective work, regardless of how many comments it gets. xo

Powerful Vision

I've been wanting to make a vision board for my 2013 Sacred Word, Powerful, for a while now. 

Today, inspired by my awesomely creative friend, Tenacious Leigh, and with my body yelling at telling me to take a break from all the crazy app work I've been doing, I did it.

Ta da!

It feels fitting on International Women's Day to remind myself that being powerful means tuning into the feelings in my belly and taking action so I can create the life I want to live.

This is what I hear in my head when I look at this: 

make your own kind of music

sing your own special song,

make your own kind of music 
even if nobody else sings along.

(The Mamas & The Papas)

I've asked before, and I still want to know: Is there a word or mantra that is a sacred guide for you in 2013?